I feel you digging and ripping

Dear savior, where are you

My heart was entrusted to your hands, but its been broken

How could this happen

My mind is confused, because my mind didn't know the deepness of the thorn inside

Only now that I see it laid bear in your hands, do I really see what was inside

I didn't trust you as much as I thought

I didn't believe you as much I though

I didn't know you the way you wanted to be known

I didn't love you as much as I said I did

So you broke me, deeper, in a way I didn't think possible

The depth of the pain led to an unknown part of myself crying out to you

Do you care, are you sleeping beneath the boat during this storm?

You are a father that doesn't provoke to wrath just for the sake of frustration

There was meaning, there was a reason, and the reason wasn't what I thought it was

There are things in my mind that make sense Lord, things that I tell myself would make me happy

There are desires that exist, that you haven't taken away

These desires lead me to feeling vulnerable, and when you touch on them it hurts so bad

What if my desires are wrong, what if they aren't there to be satisfied

So frightening,

but it's okay

Because the more you break me, the more of you I experience.

The depth at which you dig, in return leads to a deeper knowledge of you, which leads to a deeper love of you.

You are Lord, and you will rebuke the storm and give me peace.

There's so much more than a head knowledge of you Savior.

There is an experiential knowledge that can only be gained through the pain of storms.

You are not sleeping, you are not going to let me drown.

You will teach me to delight in you

Oh the depth of your mercy Lord.

You don't give me what I deserve, but what I don't

You stop me from settling, from leaning on my own understanding.

The depth of your grace, the reality of your grace

Something that can't be learned, but has to be experienced

The richness of relationship with you

I can't see you, I can't hear you

But you are there nonetheless

In a time where I thought you were no where to be found,

you had your hand closed around me

until it was so dark

You have torn me apart, just to heal me

You love me that much, a love that can't be taught but has to be experienced