I feel you digging and ripping

Dear savior, where are you

My heart was entrusted to your hands, but its been broken

How could this happen

My mind is confused, because my mind didn't know the deepness of the thorn inside

Only now that I see it laid bear in your hands, do I really see what was inside

I didn't trust you as much as I thought

I didn't believe you as much I though

I didn't know you the way you wanted to be known

I didn't love you as much as I said I did

So you broke me, deeper, in a way I didn't think possible

The depth of the pain led to an unknown part of myself crying out to you

Do you care, are you sleeping beneath the boat during this storm?

You are a father that doesn't provoke to wrath just for the sake of frustration

There was meaning, there was a reason, and the reason wasn't what I thought it was

There are things in my mind that make sense Lord, things that I tell myself would make me happy

There are desires that exist, that you haven't taken away

These desires lead me to feeling vulnerable, and when you touch on them it hurts so bad

What if my desires are wrong, what if they aren't there to be satisfied

So frightening,

but it's okay

Because the more you break me, the more of you I experience.

The depth at which you dig, in return leads to a deeper knowledge of you, which leads to a deeper love of you.

You are Lord, and you will rebuke the storm and give me peace.

There's so much more than a head knowledge of you Savior.

There is an experiential knowledge that can only be gained through the pain of storms.

You are not sleeping, you are not going to let me drown.

You will teach me to delight in you

Oh the depth of your mercy Lord.

You don't give me what I deserve, but what I don't

You stop me from settling, from leaning on my own understanding.

The depth of your grace, the reality of your grace

Something that can't be learned, but has to be experienced

The richness of relationship with you

I can't see you, I can't hear you

But you are there nonetheless

In a time where I thought you were no where to be found,

you had your hand closed around me

until it was so dark

You have torn me apart, just to heal me

You love me that much, a love that can't be taught but has to be experienced

She says (black eyed blues)

Looking for reasons
To believe instead of doubt
A way in instead of out
There’s got to be a reason

Looking for answers
For the hatred and pain
When they both start to feel the same
There’s got to be a reason

Only one breath at a time, she says
All my tears are falling on the floor, she says
I’ve never felt it rain like this before, she says
I’ll sing these black eyed blues into the storm instead
I’ll be waiting for the new eyes to arrive
One breath at a time

Kings and queens and little dreams
Are stuck inside these nightmares sometimes, sometimes
And the fairy tales we play
Seem so far away from where she was tonight
Sometimes

I hear her talking to herself in bed
All my tears are falling on the floor, she says
I’ve never felt it rain like this before, she says
I’ll sing these black eyed blues into the storm instead
I’ll be waiting for the new eyes to arrive
One breath at a time

Oh, one breath at a time
Oh, one breath at a time
Oh, one breath at a time

Oh, and I’m holding on to you
And I won’t let go
The world is torn in two
But I won’t let go
You’re the only thing that’s true
In this whole world of black eyed blues
And disillusioned points of view
When the pain feels like a knife, she says
I’m not giving up tonight, she says

Oh, she says
Oh, she says
I’ll be waiting for the new eyes to arrive, she says
She says
Oh, she says
Oh, she says
Oh, she says
I’ll be waiting for the new eyes to arrive

*Jon Foreman

Letters to a Girl

As you climb into bed and pull the sheets high,

The lights are shut off but you don't close your eyes

It's hard to imagine a day more exhausting than this,

You wonder if peace really can exist

All day your mind is ambushed by the same old thoughts,

And every minute is eaten up looking at the clock

Up the mountain of hope you strive

Every step your wonder when this so called happiness will arrive

You build up these walls and try to stay safe

These ancient insecurities are your only exclusive place

You refuse to let anyone know of the exhaustion you feel

Because you're told by everyone there should be no pain, that it isn't real

You're working so hard to be what everyone needs

Yet you're' disgusted to see what you've turned out to be

Something inside has gone terribly wrong

But you'll keep looking the other way and sing the same old song

My Child you have no idea what it is like,

To see the one you love in bondage so tight

I'll whisper to you again and again,

I'll shout to you a story of what you could be instead

You could be free my child, you could be free

You could have the insecurities broken and find true relief in me

Your wrists are bleeding from these invisible chains

I had my hands pierced, I already took away that pain

You are loved without reason and without question

The love you've experienced has been drowned in other's conditions

When failure occurs again and again,

They may leave, but I'll hold you tight instead

Every punishing thought you've laid on yourself,

I want to take away and send down to hell

If you could just see what you really are,

If you could accept that someones has wanted you from the start

I have a plan for your life, I have things stored up for you

The boys may lie, but I have intimacy that is true

They want what you can give them but they're scared of your heart

I've given my all, and can turn a bruised soul into precious art

So my child, you've heard that I died on a cross

You've dismissed me as myth, even when I've shown myself in the night across

Only you know the brokeness in your heart,

Only I can give a Father's healing art

So choose me today, choose to believe

I've given enough proof for a faith that's complete

If you think you've ached for someone before,

We can talk about my agonizing love for a child lost in life's war

Every night as you lay in your bed,

And ignore a heart that's practically dead,

Your Jesus will be dong everything he can

To bring you into a love that has always been planned

Stitches for a hurting heart

The heart, though unseen, does certainly contain water of a terrified sea.

Though invisible to our sight , it can drown one's sense of hope and might.

With our eyes we can watch it beat, in our mind we are a slave and it sits in the kings seat

So when the heart refuses to heal, and its stitches a thief continues to steal

We delicately touch our soul, feel the touch of red and immediately recoil

Panic begins to spread, we realize we're not alive and still so close to being dead

However, drops of healing do exist. The words of our God do persist.

Don't give up the fight, even if your soul is dripping and your face is turning white

I will share in the pain, my heart is not fixed. I too need healing, and will go on to read this.

Words in quotes have been taken From the Psalms

If I feel dry and empty, I must go to where you dwell. For "I am like a green olive tree in the House of God". My heart tells me it's hopeless but you say I must "trust in the mercy of God forever and ever. I'm impatient, and want to fix myself however, "In the presence of your saints I will wait on your name for it is good."

"Give ear to my prayer Oh God, and do not hide yourself from my supplication." Do you hear, do you care? How in the world can you relate to me? "Attend to me, and hear me. I am restless in my complaint and moan noisily."

I have called upon friends, I have called upon family, but I will give those ways up and have decided "I will call upon God and the Lord shall save me. You are always there to listen, you never take time off, or take time away from me. "Evening and morning and at noon. I will pray and cry aloud and he shall hear me."

Though I have sold my heart to what I have desired,"He has redeemed my soul in peace from the battle that was against me." My shoulders are weighed down and my legs are losing their strength so I will "Cast my burden on the Lord, and he will sustain me."

It's terrifying realizing that my hearts plans are not coming true. However, today I will decide that "Whenever I'm afraid, I will trust in you, In God, I will praise his word, In God I have put my trust." I have habitually put my trust in things I can see, in hands I admire. Thinking it is them who care but it is you who "number my wanderings and put my tears in your bottle, are they not in your book?" You have taken the time to write down the things hurting me, you have taken time.

So when my heart is stripped bare from the heat of its own desires, "In the shadow of your wings I will make my refuge, until these calamities pass me by." You don't ask me to seek advice from anyone else, just to rest in the shade you've provided. No one else can save me so "I will cry out to God most high, To God who performs all things for me, He shall send from heaven and save me."

I've trusted in my power for too long, "But I will sing of your power. Yes I will sing aloud of your mercy in the morning, for you have been my defense, and Refuge in the day of trouble." You fight for what's left of my heart, you find it valuable.

"Give us help from trouble, for the help of man is useless." How many times when I am hurting do I seek the attention of others. The words of others. But it is "you Oh God who have heard my vows". After all of this I come to the realization that I'm tired of fighting my own battles, Tired of trusting my heart to my own hands, So I will keep quite tonight. "My soul waits silently for God alone, for my expectation is from him." I don't expect anyone else to be able to handle my heart, as much as I want them to. "Trust in him at all times you people, pour out your heart before him, God is a refuge for us".

As the morning comes, and you've given me strength to start again. I'll hold your hand Father. Because "my soul follows close behind you, and your right hand upholds me. " You make life beautiful, you can even make a broken heart beautiful. You've provided healing, you've provided love. You've chosen me.

Love's Walk

When all that's left inside is torn

And confusion's wife still has a child to be born

When if feels like my soul's been caged with the key outside

I'll stop and rest in the comfort of your eyes

When you can't help but mock love's desire

And feelings become an enemy that have set your heart on fire

Your sick of fighting these wars and taking these stands

I'll make myself lay down in the softness of your hands

When life's maps become a maze

and all signs point back to pain

Suffering crawls up with a worn out shine

I'll have the strength to grab its hand if you grab mine

As we walk, shepherd and sheep

I'll finally give you my heart, it was never mine to keep

We'll have that conversation I always knew we would

A question I didn't think would matter, but the test of time its stood

I'll start to talk with soft embarrased words,

you'll look down in grace and silently speak things I've never heard

"Oh lover what questions does your mouth hold,

You've come to ask of things you don't know.

You think of love, how it makes home in your stomach

You look for love in every fresh eyes sunset

You explain love with its boundaries and securities

You expect love to travel the road of uncertainty."

I start to think, and you hold my hand tighter

Sufferings touch becomes dim, and my heart becomes lighter

I look up at my savior, a small spark in his eye

I look over at suffering, who has begun to cry

Just maybe, love is a fight to be lost

holding the strong arm of a paradox

Maybe love is still certain,

When a return for it is lost

Maybe love is something I've always known

Tried to force it out but it refuses to be shown

Then again, if you can tell love what to do,

Then maybe that love shouldn't be called true

Love is a mystery, from warmth to torture

Love has moved on the moment you're unsure

If you must ask what love is, I'd look at you and say

My friend you're first taste of it must be far away

Beauty Is Real

So I've been all about folk music lately, I just love something about the songwriting and chill guitar. So I decided to have some fun and write my own folky kind of song. Now I can't sing worth a darn, but this one is fun to play when no one is home! Here are the lyrics.

Beauty Is Real

feel like a blind man these days

people showing me colors but I just see grey

Don't you know the grey became all I settled for

And baby I forgot at a time, you made me sure

I love my Lord, and the life he's given me

But sometimes I wonder if we were meant to be

I tell my eyes to open at these girls all lovely

They whisper don't bother, she's the only one to see

And that's alright

with me

I've come to peace complete

No such thing as defeat

This life is still so sweet

Because I'd rather be a fool in a world you exist

Than a king in a world where there's another to kiss

Just the fact that God made a girl like you

Gives me hope in two things,

God is good, and beauty is real

If the world stays a dark place to live

And I grow up a boy with his heart left to give

Don't call me a loner, you couldn't be more wrong

Time has spoken and he's still singing your song

And that's alright

with me

I've come to peace complete

No such thing as defeat

I have cement on my feet

Because I'd rather be a fool in a world you exist

Than a king in a house where there's another to kiss

Just the fact that God made a girl like you

Gives me hope in two things,

God is good, and beauty is real

Now you may call me crazy, and girl that might be true

But what you don't know is I don't need to get over you

They might say it's impossible to live life this way

But one smile a year from you, makes the pain worth the stay

It's not that your perfect, we've all told our lies

But life just make sense when I catch a glimpse of your eyes

So why would I throw that away claiming another's hand

Though you'll slip through my fingers like smallest bits of sand

And that's alright

with me

I've come to peace complete

No such thing as defeat

This world will still remain sweet

Because I'd rather be a fool in a world you exist

Than a king in a house where there's another to kiss

Just the fact that God made a girl like you

Gives me hope in two things,

God is good, and beauty is real