brokenness in the beauty

So last night during young life club I had the privilege of hearing one of my best buds give the talk. He shared his testimony, and it was one of the coolest experiences. Because I had just got done playing guitar on one of the songs and was putting it in the back I had to sit somewhat behind him facing all of the kids. Usually during club talks I'm in the crowd facing the speaker, but this time I got to watch the kids expression during the talk, and man they were listening. It was so beautiful to see these high school kids eyes so fixed on a college dude just being vulnerable and making a relationship with Jesus come alive. The room was so quite, some kids cried, but everyone was transfixed on what was being shared. So beautiful.

Driving back from club gave me a chance to think about this word. Beautiful. It's defiantly a powerful word, a word packed with emotions and images for me. Now I've heard the phrase "there's beauty in brokenness" but after reflecting on my life a bit I also think it's true that there's brokenness in beauty." I think most people would say that it's the ugly, painful, things in this world that have left them broken, and this would absolutely be true. But what's strange for me, is that not only have the ugly painful things left me broken, but the beautiful moments have broken me as well. I think back to certain snapshots in my life, certain people, certain moments. Beauty. I remember taking a walk with someone I deeply cared about, a beautiful girl, a lovely friend. We followed the road through a nearby neighborhood until it ended in a drop off of sorts. The towns freeway was below us and the neighboring cities skyline was blazing. I don't remember everything that was said, but I remember thinking what a special moment it was for me. A happy moment for my heart. But at the same time it was a moment that left my heart wanting more. And not more as far as earthly standards go, but more as far as my spirit was concerned.

What's odd is that my life has been scattered throughout with moments like those, amazing moments, and these moments have left my heart as equally broken as the ugly times in my life. Something about a moment, a person, or an experience being so beautiful breaks the heart. Leaves you wanting something more. Sometimes they even leave aches, echoes of something louder. Now isn't that weird? I've always thought that the happy moments were kind of the "glue" to hold the heart together in between the ugly times. Something that makes this life worth living in spite of all the pain you know? I asked God about it and came to the realization that this is simply not the truth. God's intention for the beauty he's placed in our life (a beautiful girl, a place, a song) is to break us open! The same could be said for the pain in this life. God uses pain to break us and bring us to him. Well what's the deal?? Does God want every single moment in this life to break us? To leave us wanting more? I believe he does. I believe that God wants every experience the ugly and even the beautiful to break us open completely. I believe that until we learn to take down our walls and let the beauty and pain both break us down in this life, will miss out on a deeper Love for God. I believe that God intends there to be brokenness in the beauty, because to him a broken life is a beautiful thing.

Psalm 51:16,17 Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice. (message)

Routine

Num 32:11 'Surely none of the men who came up from Egypt, from twenty years old and above, shall see the land of which I swore to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, because they have not wholly followed Me, except Caleb the son of Jephunneh, the Kenizzite, and Joshua the son of Nun, for they have wholly followed the LORD.'

What does it mean to wholly follow the Lord? This is a question I've been thinking about personally for quite some time. At this point in the year, of my life, I get so wrapped up in routine that it's hard to confidently say I've followed God entirely. School, work, young life, repeat. I find myself wanting more, something more explosive and bright to be made of my daily life. I've been reflecting on it, and the only flags in my mind where I told myself I've wholly followed God are the glorious and dramatic moments in my life. The moments where I've been seen, in front of people, and have felt good about myself while doing it. Although these moments are special and worth looking back on, I find a problem with only keeping track of the glorious and spectacular moments of my life.

Caleb and Joshua spent decades wandering with the Isrealites. Literally walking in circles just to waste time and wait for the older Isreali generation to die off. Talk about routine. Yet after 38 years of the most mundane routine, God proudfully boasted of these dudes claiming that they had wholly followed him. After reading that I found myself asking God how in the world these guys, in the rut of everday life, could be so proudfully boasted of by their heavenly father. I mean, i dont know about you but when I'm in a pattern of eat, sleep and repeat my mind wanders and my walk with God grow complacent and cold. What interests me is that the Greek translation of the hebrew for "wholly" could aslo be replaced with "be full of" so in other words no only did Caleb and Joshua wholly follow the Lord, but they were completely "full of" the Lord. That, becase of the fullness they recieved from God, the mundane wandering wasn't mundane for them, it was a blessing. They may be wandering, but they were wandering because their God had ordained it, and they were full of love for their God.

I hope I can learn from these guys example. To start everyday not focused on the repetivity, but on a person. A God. I don't want to pray in expectation of the next dramatic moment God's going to use me for, but rather for recognition that because My God is so lovely, so passionate, so loving, even the most mundane days become glorious. Because my God is glorious, and because my days are about that God.

God forgive me for the daily lie,
That you've gone gold and left me dry
I find my passion runs clear so quickly
All the while you're waiting patiently
For me to take my eyes off of my own glory
And become aware that my small role plays a part in a grander story
That through my dim mirror I see routine
But through eyes of faith I see how you're shaping me
I want my heart to be so full of you
That grey becomes bright and every moment becomes new

Faith Like a Child

"Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not recieve the kingdom of God as a little Child will by no means enter it. And he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them. "


Maybe knowledge about Jesus doesn't quite equal closeness with Jesus. I spend alot of my time wishing I knew more, more about the bible, more about apologetics, more about theology..but maybe my perspective needs to be changed. Jesus saw something amazingly unique in these little childrens heart. He saw purity, He saw trust. They required nothing to be done for them before they approached their savior, they didn't need to have any question answered, they just came. If I were to put myself in this scene, sadly enough the majority of my time would be spent not close to Jesus, but afar off. Oh believe you me I'd be within hearing distance, with my notebook out. I'd be taking notes on how he acted around specific people, I'd have prophecy written down that he had already spoke, I'd have half of the sermon on the mount memorized. But would I be close to him, nope.

The next verse in Luke states that he took them up in his arms, laid his hands on them, and blessed them. These little children saw Jesus as so approachable, Love emitted from him, peace was rooted within him. I think alot of Christians today are up on the hill with me. They see Jesus, they're learning alot, but they arn't approaching him often enough. Knowlege is an interesting thing. It's a good thing, but knowing alot about Christianity won't deepen our relationship with Jesus. So here's to climbing down the hill, falling into Jesus's arms, and sitting in his lap like a child. Growing up in knowledge is not the same as growing up in Jesus. In everything I've understood to this point, the one fact I stand on is that I'll never understand it all.

24 voices

So often the eyes of my skin look further than the eyes of my heart. Yes the mountains, sun, and stars contain beauty, but why do I look there to remind me of the work you've done when the true work you're accomplishing lies within my soul.

Yes, your glory can be heard in the rain and the lightning, but don't let me forget the real power is contained within the whispers of my heart.

Yes, you've blessed me with friends and the comfort of company, but when lonliness accompanies a full room remind me that the fullness of joy is only a heartbeat away in the chest of my savior.

A joke is made and a smile is drawn,
Another routine slips into the dawn
Tomorrow will come and begin again
but yesterdays mess holds tight within

Round and round on the makers wheel
Routine makes blunt the iron of how I feel
No one can accuse me of the effort I've put forth,
Because every attempts been made for the heart to be restored

Your beauty is so obvious in this world around,
You made mountains climb up, and the water crawl down
But the beauty of this cannot save me heart,
Only your touch within will make straight my crooked scars

Come and hold what I have to give
It's not much, but now I must live
I beg a voice to my heart not to my senses
Break me down, tear down the fences

My selfishness is holding me here,
but the power of your death makes alive black fear
I'm moving now, step by step with you
Though I can't see, unconditional love's proven true